Terrible Books That Need to Go... But Where?

Somehow it has gotten to be September already, and so obviously it's time for another blog entry. It took me forever to finish reading Catherine Coulter's masterpiece of idiocy, The Hellion Bride, but I finally have done so. This is the kind of book that I need to get out of my house, but where to go with it is a bit of a mystery. Yes, it really is that bad.

The first half of the book is bad, but the negative aspects of it are often humorous. The romantic hero, Ryder Sherbrooke (no, I'm not making that name up), is sort of fun, and determined to figure out what is going on with romantic heroine Sophia Stanton-Grenville. The year is 1803, it is a very hot summer, and Sophia is known as the whore of Jamaica, because she is alleged to have three lovers and everyone on the island knows it.

Sophia is actually a 19 year old virgin, being oppressed and beaten by her malicious uncle, who has ruined her reputation as well for his own nefarious purposes. Ryder is predictably intrigued when he meets Sophia.

Actually, that's not a bad start to a story, and parts of it might have worked if Coulter's writing wasn't so hilariously dumb sometimes. Perhaps my favorite passage (and when I write "favorite," I mean "the one that made me laugh the hardest") is as follows:

Ryder hated to brood. He'd done very little of it in his life for the very simple reason that he'd never felt the need to take himself apart from his fellow man and commit himself to brooding. It had always seemed to him to be a singularly boring way to pass the time. But now he felt the need and it was sharp and deep inside him. It was also unexpected and unwelcome and made him uncomfortable; nor did he particularly know how to do it properly. (p. 169)

I'm not even sure where to start with how absurd that passage is - it's both badly written and ridiculous in every way. It did make me chuckle, though, and it made me think - hey, maybe someone, somewhere should be offering classes in how to brood properly. Maybe there is money to be made here!

If this book had just stayed hilariously stupid, I would just donate it to next year's used book sale and not think much about it. But unfortunately the second half of the book evolves into being offensively stupid and it ceases being funny. Ryder somehow finds himself obligated to marry Sophia, which isn't a terrible romance set-up (it worked very well for Jamie and Claire in Outlander), but Coulter writes the absolute worst story for these characters that I can think of short of making them both into some kind of sociopathic killers.

First of all, Ryder leads Sophia to believe that he has taken her virginity while she was under the influence of a drug and he does not communicate with her that this is not the case. So already this is problematic. Worse, in the context of the story Sophia is terrified of sex, and Ryder's solution to this is basically to force himself on her every night until she likes it. Yes, this is a book that tries to make marital rape sexy.

Not only that, but (and maybe this is trivial), Ryder does something to Sophia that made me shriek "okay, so that's going to be an instant yeast infection!" to myself. And in 1803 I don't know what one would have done about that. But it freaked me out.

This is a romance novel, so of course everything eventually works out for Ryder and Sophia, but not before a lot of scenes that either made me angry or made my eyes roll out of exasperation.

I'm not a person who approves of censorship in any way, but this isn't the kind of book that I would want passed on to, well... anyone. It's just that terrible and offensive. And I would hate to think that young romance readers would get the idea that Ryder's tactics with Sophia would work.

So... do I toss it in the recycling bin or what? I'm still not sure. But I want to get it out of my house soon, because it is very possibly the most magically stupid book that I've ever read.